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{ Life } A Bittersweet Night...

A night out on the town...

Hey Mums, I hope you enjoyed my little mummy time outing I had last night at the Travel part-aay!

It was great fun hanging out with like-minded people. I had one glass of Pino Grigo which took me an hour to drink lol I'm a two-pot screamer! I was driving home so I wanted to be responsible. Oh and I'd probably be up dancing on the bar top if I had anymore lol I ended up staying for an unplanned dinner enjoyed with my friend and mentor Jen and her hubby Paul. Such lovely supportive people :)

So all of that was great. Drive in was great and quick. Getting there was Great. The event was great, took home some wonderful insights into world travel and how to help and continue to inspire people to travel more, save more and maybe even making a living if they so wish. (Send me a message if you'd like to hear more (it's not for everyone I get that - it's all good - either way I'm excited!). I'm already planning our next family holidays! Yes, HOLIDAY"S" which I never thought was going to be achievable for us!

Then I came home....

It was nice to be out, at times I felt conscious of the fact I was out in the city all dolled up on my own (ie. without my family) doing my thing and it was so worth it.

But...

I opened the front door to be enthusiastically greeted by Roxy-puppa (as we affectionately call her), and immediately saw it, a poop in the middle of the hallway on the floorboards. I have to admit I sighed and shook my head in disbelief and disappointment.

I then walked into the lounge room and said,

"You know Roxy did a poop in the hallway don't you?"

(she would never do that!). I find both kids still awake, it's 10:30pm and hubby sitting there with a glass of wine, clearly drunk. Grrrr! Shake my head again. 

They all started laughing and said, 

"GOTCHYA MUM...!" 

It was plastic poop.

"Ha ha funny, yes you got me guys, thank you!"

I said laughingly. My boy then asked me,

"mummy, where you go tonight?"

I replied enthusiastically,

"mummy went to a travel partaaay and it was fun!"

As we danced around the lounge room spinning my dress... until I accidently stepped on his foot with my heels on (the flat front bit not the back heel). It hurt him and he cried and cried... and cried.... I felt like shit. He was so tired. I had to get him to bed, read him a story and carried him to bed on my back. Still in my dress and shoes. 

Read him "Underpants, Thunderpants" and kissed him goodnight.

Came out and tried to get Jazmin to bed, a little harder she was stalling (as usual), showing me what she had drawn after I had gone to the city in the afternoon.

I look around to Hubby and he is in a vague stare watching the TV. I'm trying hard to just focus on getting Jaz to bed. Finally get goes to bed, sing her a song and kiss her goodnight.

Go and get changed in my pj's, clean my make up off and take a deep breath to go and join Hubby on the lounge to ask how his afternoon and evening was.

He could not construct a sentence. He was delayed or didn't hear me (or understand me) and it was just well, awkward to be honest. I tried to talk to him, even if to give him the opportunity to ask me how my night was. Maybe to even say I looked pretty or nice, or that he missed me. Maybe even put his arm around me a little or SOMETHING....................

Nothing. I got nothing.

We decided to go to bed, he could barely even walk up the hallway.

Then he finally asked me as he was passing out,

"Did you have a good night?"

I replied happily,

"Yes I did thanks"

And before I knew it he was asleep. And that was the end of that conversation. Sigh.

Feeling sad.

Feeling alone.

Feeling angry.

Feeling deflated. 

Feeling let down.

Feeling annoyed.

Feeling like I can't trust him alone with the kids.

I don't want to feel this way.

I want to be able to feel good about spending time with friends and be able to trust him to look after the kids. But being so wasted when I got home makes me feel like he put the kids at risk. It's not the kind of thing I want for our kids to see. I saw it growing up and it wasn't pretty.

Some will say I'm overreacting. Good. I'm happy to overreact for the safety and wellbeing of our kids. 

Some will say it's not that bad. Good, I'm happy it's not that bad, so shall I wait til it gets really bad or head it off at the pass?

So for me it was a bittersweet night.

I laid down in bed, closed my eyes trying not to cry. But I did.

From a high to a low in one night. Awesome, not. Feels like my life is such a contradiction now and wondering how it got here.

I started blaming myself. Then I stopped.

It's not about me...

Or is it? Who knows! It is about mental illness, specifically, depression. It's about him not coping and not loving himself. 

Why is he depressed? I honestly couldn't give you an answer to this, I am certain he doesn't know either.

I feel like we take three steps forward, two steps back each week.

Where to from here...?

Talk. I need to share with him how I feel about his and today.

  1. It was unacceptable to get drunk last night while I was out.
  2. You put the kids at risk
  3. You were not there for me when I needed to share my night with you
  4. You didn't tell me I looked nice. 

But also be excited about the future. I have a lot of things to be grateful for and I am going to focus on them. One of those things is about our Travel Club and traveling with my family.

Facing a challenge with strength and of focus to overcome

No one's life is perfect, least of all mine. I will be facing this challenge with the focus and strength I need for us to overcome this together. To get to the core of the issue, to manage the recovery, to work through what we need from one another. I can't tell you the outcome because I don't have ESP, but I can put myself in the place of love, wife, friend and supporter of my husband and let him know I am there for him.

So who's there for me...? Well, right now, I guess that is Me. I am there for me. I also have you. I have my blog diary to unload whether it is read or not it is releasing "stuff" good or bad. I have YOU, my lovely online friends who are my go to people everyday. The people who know will get it, get me and support me no matter what. 

I have to be honest, keeping it "real" at this time is hard because it doesn't just involve me, it involves others who like their privacy, namely hubby. I respect that. So here's the deal, know this, I'm having a challenging time at home. I own it, I am living it and feeling it. I will be as open and honest as I can be, but there are somethings that I have to consider our sacred space and I know you totally respect that, thank you. 

What I share as me, Heather James, "Inspiring Mum" for Inspiring Mums is what it is, as it happens and as real as it gets. I am creative, I go out to business events and travel and blog and design and do all things to improve our entire life, while hopefully inspiring others in some way, big or small.

I thank you for following this particular journey with me, I have written more on this topic and challenge scroll down for some of those blogs to catch up on.

Right now I don't want to keep crying, I want to keep focusing on my health and our future which does look bright, even through these dark clouds before us.

Like a storm, it will pass. Thanks for being here x

xx Heather


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