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{ Relationships } Lonely In Love

Lonely In Love...

The Background

heatherjamesinspiringmums.jpg

Fact: While growing up, my father was an alcoholic. He realised his problem the moment he admitted to drinking Listerine alcohol based mouthwash when he didn't have the money to buy beer. He sort professional help and has (to my knowledge) not had a drink for at least 20 years and he is still alive.... 

There is hope for the next stage of our life...

I am writing this because I need to, whether it is read by anyone is by the by, I just need to let it go so to speak. But, my deep hope is that it helps someone, even one person in a similar life challenge.

Today I feel... lonely. No, every day I feel... lonely.

This morning I had a rather emotional online chat with a friend who knows me pretty well. So I'm feeling rather sensitive and teary as I have a few challenges to face at the moment.

The contradiction is this, on one hand my life is on fire with awesomeness and there is the part of my life tearing at the seams. I have no idea what to do about it, but having chatted with my friend I am clearer as to some steps to take in order to make changes.

Right now I'm feeling very vulnerable, lost and dare I say it, lonely. I realise this could be a surprise to some of you, but all I can say is this, Inspiring Mums is what keeps me going. I really do need the continuous stream of inspirational discussions and connections to maintain my level of positivity and hope. It's not about hiding behind a smile, it's about managing life and being hopeful and focused on a positive outcome.

If you have followed my journey from the beginning, you'll know I don't skirt over the reality of life and never will. Even Inspiring Mums have bad days, sad days, ugly and feeling fat days and the rest! It's how we manage and work through those challenges that set us apart of the victims of the world and those on the "Blame Train". I am not on the blame train, I am on the "I CHOOSE" train and I choose to live the life that I want with people who love me, embrace me and fight for me. I won't do anything less.

At present, in my relationship with my husband, I'm feeling very lonely. He knows this, I'm not sharing anything he doesn't already know. It has been communicated.

It's going to be a bit of a journey as we face the challenges head on and make the changes which clearly need to be made for everyone to feel happy and safe. I'm in no way saying I am perfect in all of this, I need to make changes too.


Characteristics of the Alcoholic Husband

In what I can only describe as desperation (gosh I hate that word!) to save a once loving and happy marriage, I turned to what I know well, Dr. Internet.

I found this post Characteristics of the Alcoholic Husband on the Livestrong website. I wasn't really shocked when I said "Yes" to each of the signs listed. In summary here is a snippet:

  1. Ritualised Drinking
  2. Tolerance
  3. Difficulty Managing Responsibilities
  4. Physical Withdrawal
  5. Emotional and Behavioural Changes

Then thinking back on how my dad was while we were young, I know I have a long road ahead of us to face this challenge head on. And, to be honest, if fucking pisses me off. But it is what it is and we are here now so we need to manage and overcome it.

References

Mayo Clinic: Alcoholism: Symptoms

U.S. Office of Personnel Management: Alcoholism: Alcoholism in the Workplace


Positive Changes

We recently visited the local gym and discussed what hubby wants to do. With his new job just 10 minutes from home, he has more time and it's on the way home. He can work out before he gets home and he will feel more energised before seeing us.

He has already gone a few times and we are seeing a noticeable difference when he goes in his mood and communication with us. After the school holidays are over, I too will attend the gym to help me feel better about myself, to look better and support hubby on his journey.

Every time I think about it I want to burst into tears, so I immerse myself into Inspiring Mums and what I love because it makes me happy. He may or may not like it, get it or even accept it, but if it goes I don't know how I could manage the loneliness and the process we need to go through to have a positive outcome. At the same time as going through the process of coming off my own medication. It's not easy.

Sometimes it feels like 2 steps forward 3 steps back... tonight he wants us as a family go to his work mates house (with their family) so they can drink (his friend is a massive drinker!). I don't want to be around this workmate while drinking like they do together because he can't control his language. We all swear, but when it's every 2nd word it becomes very old, very quickly and I don't want it around my kids. So no I am faced with telling my hubby that we will not go, which is likely to tick him off. Needs must as they say. He knows how I feel even before he suggested it, so I don't think it is going to be too much of a surprise, but he won't like it. Also, I don't want to support his binge drinking.


What I Want

I want hubby to stop drinking and for him to be happy with himself and his life. Not sure if that includes us as an entire family or not, we will soon see. I won't be able to share too much because he's a private kind of guy, which is why you don't see a lot of him. I respect that. I will share how I feel, what I am doing to make our lives the best they can be. 

Thanks for listening and being here, inspiring or not it is what it is, no one is perfect and I hope that we can all reach a place where everyone is as happy and balanced in life as possible. I also want to feel loved and appreciated, not so lonely. We will soon see.

Have a great day, Smile & Shine lovelies

x Heather


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