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{ Parenting } What NOT To Do In Front Of Your Kids...

And NO it's NOT sex, I'm talking about when parents disagree on parenting and discipline in front of children! :/

I'm putting my foot down (stamping like a little girl) it's just NOT on!

Please tell me I'm not alone in this? Pleeease!

As I sit here after having a lovely meatball and spaghetti dinner, with a glass of white wine and the last of my Cadbury Cherry Bites chocolates, I lament on the previous evenings events when a lovely night turned into.... shit.

So here we are having a lovely housewarming celebratory curry dinner at my Hubby's sister's new house. The kids are playing happily in the spa. Hubby's parents are blissfully poking around the house with the look of relief that their daughter is finally back in the property market. Followed by a game of Comedy Movie Scene It while trying to stop the dogs from barking at each other! It's loud with laughter and everyone yelling out answers to the mystery puzzles on the TV, it feels like a mad house!

It's getting a bit late, I'm tired, so I have a cup of tea and managed to score some chocolate I was craving for (yay!) I get up to give the first warning to the kids that we were going soon.

Anyhoo, I digress... back to the issue...

As I got to the hallway, there's my daughter, physically and angrily pushing her boy cousin with both hands on his chest and into the hallway wall saying:

"GET OUUUT....!!".

I have to add at this point in my mind, I had flashes of my big brother pushing me up against the back of the front door in our housing commission home, with his hands around my neck lifting me off the floor. Angry about something I'd done, I can't recall. We were a very angry bunch back then, let me add, water under the bridge and all that, I love my brother and forgive him no love lost there he's awesome! But the memory is still there.

So when I saw my own daughter man handling her cousin I responded quickly with:

"Jazmin! What are you doing? Stop that now get your hands off him!"

She stepped back and started to cry. I was soooo mad, I said:

"we do not put our hands on anyone like this, what's going on??"

I took her to the main bedroom and closed the door. Got down on my knees and asked her to sit. She wailed. I asked her what was going on and why she felt that she could physically push her cousin like that. She said:

"He was annoying meeeee..."

Tears fill her eyes and face and I am feeling very conscious of upsetting her even more, so I attempt to comfort her and say:

"We just don't put our hands on our family like that Jaz, do you understand what you did was not good behaviour?"

She said:

"Yes, but he was being annoying..."

At this point she was hyperventilating, I felt like shit and as though I may have responded too quickly or not in a positive way, I didn't know. Who's to know anyway! No parent gets a user manual when they have a child! I'm not perfect nor is anyone else in my view!

So I help her calm down, getting her to sit on the bed with my hand on her chest while instructing her to breathe in and out slowly. She is complying and doing well. We are calming down....she's ok, she's ok...

Then it happens....

Hubby walks in the door and asks what's going on, I said:

"I tell you later, she's calming down now."

Buutttt nooo, he wanted to know... so ok I said:

"She was pushing her cousin into the wall!"

and he said it....

"SO!"

I tilted my head all the way back staring at the ceiling in complete frustration and I said:

"Are you kidding me???"

He then turns and cuddles into our daughter and she starts to cry again and gets all upset, undoing everything. She was about to step outside and apologise to her cousin and he was going to do the same after I speak to him too. This is all happening in front of our daughter... clearly now confused as to what's going on and who she should be listening to and if she was in trouble or not.

Not happy!

I left the room in a huff and mumbled under my breath as I walked past his family. I was so angry, but I was more disappointed that my parenting was basically overruled in front of her and now to me it feels as though I have just gone OTT on her and been too hard on her...! :( 

We got everyone into the car and headed home, in complete silence apart from the radio. I was fuming inside! But I remained quiet.

Got everyone home and Jaz and Hubby sat and read a book, she was so proud that she was reading a chapter book on her own, it's now about 10pm. I just wanted to go to bed and talk to him about what happened. 

That never eventuated.

I reluctantly kissed him good night thinking in the morning with a fresh head, a good sleep and some time to talk would be good. It's now Saturday night and nada ladies, no talkies about anything that happened last night! It's as though nothing even happened. But I can tell you now, this will be resolved and I will be having my say on how we parent and setting some clear boundaries for everyone!

After doing some research online, I can see that I'm not alone. I feel like the "bad guy" all the time, Hubby has said I am too hard on our daughter, but to me she is old enough to know what's right and wrong and to make positive decisions in life, even at 8! My dad use to leave us for days and day on end, alone without any parents around at well before 8 years old. I know she has the capability to make good choices. I don't believe I am hard on her. Hubby on the other hand, gives her too much flexibility in my view. Daddy's little girl that's for sure. Favourite even?

Possibly.

So where to from here?

  1. Talk to Hubby the first moment we get alone! 
  2. Look at ways I can improve my parenting style with my daughter especially. Try to understand why my Hubby didn't think it was an issue for her to man handle another family member.
  3. Not stress over it, just talk about it and move on.
  4. Be ok with my parenting style as fair and just for happiness of everyone, which is my goal.
  5. Ask Hubby how I am being hard on her and see what I can do to make things more positive between us all.
  6. Come to a common understanding or common ground with set boundaries for each of us to agree on.
  7. Talk about how our parenting differences should not be disputed in front of the kids, but should do privately to come to a positive solution then discussed with the kids.

Look it really upset me which is why I am probably over thinking it, but I would like to avoid any type of future manipulation from the kids with us as their parents as they get older and I also want to feel supported and backed by my Hubby in the parenting discipline of the kids. I think that's important. Don't you?

But you know what? Tomorrow is a new day with new beginnings and new ways to look at parenting and protecting our kids. I see this as an opportunity to be a better parent and person.

I will say though, that it was a nice thought for Hubby to get my favourite chocies, pictured above (which I have already demolished!) as a peace offering, even though we didn't speak, I know him, this is his way of communication.

Men can be like that can't they?

Has this happened in your family? What methods did you use to communicate with your partner about the differences in parenting?